TURN THE IMPENDING FIGHT
INTO DEEPER INSIGHT

by Laura Christian

    You're both frustrated.  You've talked until you are blue in the face and so has he. Neither one of you feels like the other can, or even wants to, see each other's point of view.  You don't feel like reasoning it out anymore—it hasn't worked anyways.  Yet, you still have to make your point and the only way to do that is to proceed with a full-blown fight.  Or is it?

    Let's look at an example to see how a fight might develop in real life.  Susie is spending Saturday afternoon at a crowded grocery store getting the items she and her husband Tommy need for their cookout this evening.  While she is gone, Tommy has promised to clean up the living room.  When Susie arrives home, she sees Tommy sitting in the middle of the living floor, playing video games.  He hasn't picked up the living room—in fact, it looks like he hasn't done anything at all but play games.  Susie's first instinct is to start chewing Tommy out.  She asks out of frustration, "Why in the world didn't you pick up the living room?  I was gone over two hours!!"  Tommy, sensing he is being attacked, immediately gets defensive.  "It wasn't my fault!" he retorts.  Susie sees Tommy's response as an excuse for him to try and put the blame on someone else, and she starts telling him exactly what she thinks about him passing on the blame.  In a matter of moments, Tommy and Susie are head over heels in a huge fight.

    Does this situation sound familiar?  Perhaps you have had similar experiences in your own home.  For a lot of couples, fighting is not the preferred method of communication, but it has unfortunately become the default method.  The main reason for this is that when emotions are running strong, people tend to fall back on what they know works to get their point across.  In order to be able to communicate without fighting, it is necessary for the people involved to learn skills that will allow them to gain the information they want without letting emotions get the better of the situation.  These skills will not come automatically; instead, they need to be practiced in a setting that is not emotionally charged so that when the time comes to use them, the person will be comfortable with the process.

Skills for Diffusing an Impending Argument
 

1. Pray.  Even a two second "God, help me!!!!" will do wonders when you are working through a tense situation.  Asking the Holy Spirit to provide deeper understanding to both of you will go a long way in being able to resolve the problem without fighting.  Ask God to help you rely on His strength.
2. Play detective.  In the example above, Susie ran Tommy's response through her filters.  She assumed he was trying to avoid accepting responsibility for the situation.  However, her assumption led to a fight.  Susie needed to ask questions about what happened during the two hours she was gone to find out why Tommy said, "It's not my fault."
3. Refuse to accuse.  It can't be stressed enough how important this is.  If you are going to diffuse an impending fight, you absolutely must refuse to accuse the other person.  Even if they did something wrong, don't use accusatory language.    Accusing someone will only trigger defense responses, and those defense responses get in the way of being able to communicate with each other.
4. Recognize your emotions.  Acknowledge that the other person's actions sparked an emotional response from you.  This is perfectly okay to admit.  The important thing is what you do with that emotional response.  Take some time to cool down if you need to.  There is nothing wrong with waiting until later that day to discuss the situation.  In fact, that is sometimes best if the situation permits (especially if your sweetie does something to upset you two minutes before your guests start arriving for the evening).  When you do talk about what happened, use statements that explain your feelings (i.e. I feel like you are trying to pass the blame.  Is that true?  or  Because you said you would pick up the living room and you didn't, I don't feel like I can trust you.).  Allow the other person to share.  Through this process, you will gain insight into what both you and your significant other are thinking and feeling.
5. Repeat #3.  Once the other person has shared his/her feelings with you, it is extremely important that you refuse to attack those feelings.  You may not agree with how s/he feels, but right or wrong, that person has a right to his/her feelings.
6. Don't knock it until you try it.  Sharing your feelings may be a new experience for you and using "I feel _______" or similar statements may be awkward and even embarrassing.  However, the payoffs are well worth it.  Over time, avoiding fights and discussing the situation will seem more normal and feel more comfortable to you.

Susie's Solution

    Let's take a look at Susie's situation, but this time with Susie using some of the skills mentioned above.

    A quick recap:  Susie has just come home from a two hour grocery shopping trip to find that Tommy has not picked up the living room like he said he would.  Susie is frustrated, especially when Tommy tells her that it wasn't his fault.  Instead of yelling at Tommy, Susie takes a minute to realize that she is extremely frustrated and asks, "Did something happen so you weren't able to pick up the living room?" (a good detective question).  Tommy is a little surprised that Susie isn't yelling at him, but takes the life-line handed to him.  He explains that his mother called wanting to know every detail about their plans for the holidays, and she went on and on about how unfair it was that the couple would be only spending three days with her and not a week like they would be spending with Susie's family.  The call with Tommy's mother had continued in this nature for quite a while before he was able to get off the phone.  He knew if he didn't do something to relax, he would be in no shape to entertain that evening.  By taking a moment to understand the situation and both of their feelings, Susie gained some insight into the events of the last two hours for Tommy and realized that he wasn't shirking responsibility like she had originally thought.  While she was still disappointed that the living room wasn't clean, she now understood why and was able to help Tommy clean up without getting into a fight.

    While it certainly takes time and effort, gaining a deeper understanding of those around you is well worth the work you put into it.  Having a more peaceful relationship will reduce the stress you are faced with and will allow you to grow closer to your loved ones instead of farther apart.  Over time and with practice, it can become more natural for you to talk things out instead of fighting about them.

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